In a Blur

I stand still in the movement of the masses.
I see their faces blur as each passes.
Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
With their minds in a whir.
Their children holding their hands
As they continue to race. Race. Race.
They speed along
To sit. Sit. Sit. When they stop. Stop. Stop.
Busy. Busy. Busy. They look. Look. Look.
The noise increases and the speaking ceases.
Their friends become stones on a couch.
Their minds become obsessed with nothing.

Feeling the emptiness.
Seeing the loneliness.
In a blur they waste away
In a blur they miss the beauty
The beauty of time.
Yes, they miss it.
In a Blur

Dream. Color. Song. False realities.
That face. Eyes open. Head down. Walking away.
Reach out. Fall back. Fill up. Empty.
Jump. Fall. Twirl. Trip.
Graceful. Clumsy.
Sadness.
Patience through the moves.
Working through the pain.
Falling back on the floor.
Walking on the hard wood.
Sensing the beat
Leaving the feeling in the wind
Spin. Spin. Spin. Kick. Kick. Kick.
Bow.
Walk.

Whisper. Dance. Leave it behind.

Masked Face.
Clothed tight.
No one sees.
No one knows.
The pain.
Nor the fright.
Cowering neath the shadow of an ugly past.
Struggling to see the light, the beauty of that moment.
Nothing, the light is gone. The fear and the pain return.
It swallows me whole. Lets loose its vengeance upon me.
Suffering so great I can not see my hand right from my left.
Stumbling, searching, seeking something to hold on to.
Running in fear from the light, headed head on for the grave.
Seeking solitude, peace, no more turmoil, no more shadows.
Back, back, back I fall. Forward, onward, toward I strive.
Seeking strength, joy, and purpose. Longing for someone to hold.
Hold until I feel alright again. I cannot see past this darkness. I am weak.
Holding on to air it seems, in faith, in faith I hold to what I cannot see.
But for what I ask, for hope I answer, for hope.
The dark one closes in, but hope remains. Until my light is snuffed out.

                                               ***

The words race around my head in a tiny, tumbling storm, ready to spit it out in dismay.

Awoken

I wake up to a different world. What are these things I feel and see? Does it matter anymore? The ones I thought believed in me the most have hurt me. I run from the pain, from the place that felt like home. It is no longer home. It is no longer a place of refuge. It is a place of memories that will never be the same. I see pain differently, something to learn from, not to avoid. 

Can I escape the mind of my misery? Can I walk the fine line of life that seeks to destroy me? I say no, I cannot. For this world will crush me like a bug and squander my soul for a measly earning. I will not reach out my hand. I will not combat the world for what is rightfully mine. I want this soul of mine to return to me. A soul I lost so long ago. It has gotten lost in the mire of the doubts of others and the doubts in my own heart. I am shattered, broken, and bruised. 

My heart is slowly coming to a stop. Slowly drowning in the whirlwind of other's successes and badgerings. There is no way I will let my heart be washed down this feat of horror. Recovering what I have lost will take a miracle. I need patience not prodding words. I need understanding not judgmental thoughts. I need encouragement to fuel my soul for a more positive outlook. 

I am swimming through dark and lonely seas, attempting to grasp something that is familiar and light. But they swim away becoming a mirage in my view. The things of confidence and strength are slowly slipping away. The motivation ceases to stand.

But these things I know. I have lived a full life, I have grown from infancy and became a woman. I have experienced joy on the highest mountain and defeat and rejection at the bottom of the pit. I have been surrounded by friends good and bad. I have been influenced by those that hate me and love me. I have influenced and sought out those I care about. I have been loyal and upstanding. 

But mostly and more importantly, people have graced my life with love and care. They have shown me their hearts and taught me what life can be about. They have shown that they are really there for me and not just there to give me a lecture, but just there to be my friend. A listening ear they have given me. Which I will always return. They have made me cry, but they also have made me laugh and smile. 

I am not the author of my own fate. I do not script this life of mine. For I know that one is scripting it for me. He knows my struggles, heartaches, and my innermost secrets. He cares for me with every breath I take. He gave me life and he shows me the path I am to take. He knows what my heart beats for. And knows that I am not wasting time. He fills my soul with hope and meaning that I never searched for. He returns my ashes to their form and brings a new life from the gray dust of my past sufferings. He is the only one who can raise me from this darkness and bring me to the light. 

My heart yearns for what it does not have. But I need to learn is to be happy with what I do have. I have a home. A roof over my head. Food on the table. Friends and family that love me. And a God that will never leave me. 

I live a life that no one sees. And hear a voice that only I can hear. No wonder one can be misunderstood. I stand by who I am and trust that everything will turn out alright. For truly I am not alone. 

From the blackness

How many times I have wished.

How many times I have wondered. 

Here you are. 

But then you were not

Vanished.

Unheeding.

Never seeking. 

There I was.

And then I wasn't

Buried under the darkness

Of everything I held on to so tightly

A hand. 

A hope. 

Reached in and showed me light. 

Far too engrossed with the deep blackness

Every moment. 

More light seeped in.

Fear gripped my tired heart. 

Uncertain of the outcome.

Crazy to hang to what destroyed me.

One last straw. 

One last string

That you drew.

Then I was gone. 

The light enveloped me 

Made me soar. 

And it was over. 

The gloom no longer held me down

The glowing embers warm from the sun

Seeped into my soul

Healing

Restoring. 

Embracing. 

A little light

A little warmth

Was all I needed to see

To view the tragedy in front of me

It fades into the deepness of my soul

Growing dimmer by the day.

Flowing freely 

A strength I never knew I had

Envelops me every day 

To take that step

And leave behind

The pieces of this shattered soul

While the radiance gathers them

Reassembling into beauty.

Alone?

Darkness spreads over the night.
The cold seeps in through the aging windows.
A commotion continues above my room.
Screams, yelling, squeals, and laughter.
Yet here I sit alone.
Silence engulfs me. No words.
But I sense something more, something else.
Someone else...