Awoken

I wake up to a different world. What are these things I feel and see? Does it matter anymore? The ones I thought believed in me the most have hurt me. I run from the pain, from the place that felt like home. It is no longer home. It is no longer a place of refuge. It is a place of memories that will never be the same. I see pain differently, something to learn from, not to avoid. 

Can I escape the mind of my misery? Can I walk the fine line of life that seeks to destroy me? I say no, I cannot. For this world will crush me like a bug and squander my soul for a measly earning. I will not reach out my hand. I will not combat the world for what is rightfully mine. I want this soul of mine to return to me. A soul I lost so long ago. It has gotten lost in the mire of the doubts of others and the doubts in my own heart. I am shattered, broken, and bruised. 

My heart is slowly coming to a stop. Slowly drowning in the whirlwind of other's successes and badgerings. There is no way I will let my heart be washed down this feat of horror. Recovering what I have lost will take a miracle. I need patience not prodding words. I need understanding not judgmental thoughts. I need encouragement to fuel my soul for a more positive outlook. 

I am swimming through dark and lonely seas, attempting to grasp something that is familiar and light. But they swim away becoming a mirage in my view. The things of confidence and strength are slowly slipping away. The motivation ceases to stand.

But these things I know. I have lived a full life, I have grown from infancy and became a woman. I have experienced joy on the highest mountain and defeat and rejection at the bottom of the pit. I have been surrounded by friends good and bad. I have been influenced by those that hate me and love me. I have influenced and sought out those I care about. I have been loyal and upstanding. 

But mostly and more importantly, people have graced my life with love and care. They have shown me their hearts and taught me what life can be about. They have shown that they are really there for me and not just there to give me a lecture, but just there to be my friend. A listening ear they have given me. Which I will always return. They have made me cry, but they also have made me laugh and smile. 

I am not the author of my own fate. I do not script this life of mine. For I know that one is scripting it for me. He knows my struggles, heartaches, and my innermost secrets. He cares for me with every breath I take. He gave me life and he shows me the path I am to take. He knows what my heart beats for. And knows that I am not wasting time. He fills my soul with hope and meaning that I never searched for. He returns my ashes to their form and brings a new life from the gray dust of my past sufferings. He is the only one who can raise me from this darkness and bring me to the light. 

My heart yearns for what it does not have. But I need to learn is to be happy with what I do have. I have a home. A roof over my head. Food on the table. Friends and family that love me. And a God that will never leave me. 

I live a life that no one sees. And hear a voice that only I can hear. No wonder one can be misunderstood. I stand by who I am and trust that everything will turn out alright. For truly I am not alone.